Lazarus

I remember so clearly accepting Jesus into my heart at the age of 5.  I was playing in my bedroom (we were living in the ultra-hippy town of Ashland, Oregon) and the sun was shining so brightly through my window.  It struck me that God's presence was in my room- I could feel His warmth and love envelop me.  I immediately asked to be His.  There was no question.  I knew only love and acceptance and felt perfectly at home in His company.  It's the earliest intimate moment with God I remember experiencing. . . .

"Their intelligence has been shrouded in darkness, and they are estranged from the life of God, because of the ignorance in them, which in turn comes from resisting God's will."  (Eph. 4:18, Complete Jewish Bible)

 

The next several weeks were dark- the Great Fog prevented me from truly absorbing what I had done to myself, to my unborn child.  I nursed my wounded body, took my birth control pills and tried to return to the everyday 16-year-old world of high school. 

 

One translation of SIN is "parabasis- transgression with a suggestion of violence".  That was certainly a true description of how many body and soul felt after the abortion- an act of violence had been surely perpetrated against it.  What's worse, I was throwing up all the time- a side affect of the birth control pills, I was told.

 

My boyfriend and I were uneasy in each other's presence.  It's as if the sight of each other was a constant reminder of what was no longer. . and our Sin.  We were like Adam and Eve, once they discovered their nakedness, and really their own human condition.  We made each other cringe.

 

I was ready to get back into the swing of things- drinking, partying, whatever.  I made plans one Friday night a few weeks after the abortion to spend the night at a girlfriend's house. That's what I told my parents anyway.  Instead, I was headed to a hotel party, with my boyfriend, and other friends.  Finally, a time to let loose, forget about my troubles.  I'm sure the Bartles and Jaymes would totally help my quesiness too.

 

One of the "side affects" of being saved and baptized, and having Godly, praying parents, is that the Holy Spirit will at some point, intercede.  On that Friday night, the Holy Spirit woke my mom and clearly told her where to look in my room, to find all of the evidence of my activities.  There she found the paperwork from the abortion and my birth control pills.  A phone call was made quickly to my girlfriend, who was furiously lying for me to cover my tracks.  The message was made clear- "wherever Elisha was, make sure she gets home now." 

 

I was met at my house by my two very angry, beyond-hurt parents.  My poor parents, who had watch me at the age of 12 get baptized in water and by the Holy Spirit -found out in one night that their daughter had been having sex, had gotten pregnant, had an abortion and was now on birth control pills.  Angry and shameful words were hurled, from both sides of the fence. 

 

I let the Great Fog keep me from feeling the enormity of the situation.  My heart had become hard and black, like the bottom of a deep, dark well.  I was "fine" with my decisions.  I wasn't backing down.  My mom was horrified to hear the name of the abortionist- she immediately scheduled an appointment for me with her doctor to make sure I was ok.  I would find out later that abortions can leave you at risk to never get pregnant again, can open up your body to infection and other complications. 

 

I didn't read that fine print.

 

The doctor's appointment felt like the funeral service for my baby.  Let's make sure you're fine- that the abortionist did a complete job and you weren't injured in any way by your actions.  I told the doctor I was throwing up- the birth control pills must be too strong for me.  She immediately ordered a pregnancy test.  That shocked me- why would you do that?  She then gently explained that tissue, or a part, could've been left behind in my uterus, tricking my body into thinking I was still pregnant.  I wasn't nauseous from the Pill, I was having morning sickness. 

 

Wait. . .tissues??? Parts???? My mind was spinning- thank God I was already laying down.  The clinic worker's voice came back to haunt me. . .just a cluster of cells. . . nothing to be concerned about.  Liar.

 

The pregnancy test came back positive.  The only way to know what was left behind was to do an ultrasound- another invasive procedure into my already hurting body.  My mom held my hand and as I tried to remember that this didn't affect me and I didn't care. 

 

The doctor turned the screen towards us and there we saw what had been "left behind".  A perfectly alive baby, with a beating heart.  About 10 weeks old.  There was no question this was the baby I had tried to kill. 

 

Then, the Great Fog lifted, and I wept, because what I thought was dead, was in fact, alive. . . .